My Story, My life.
My birthname is not abby by the way.
back-round on my childhood-
growing up i had big ears that stuck out really far. I’d constantly get made fun of and called “dumbo ears” and horrid things like that. It got really bad in 3rd grade, so for a 3rd grader to be called that 50 times on a daily basis, its traumatizing. that went on for years [about 8 years, a little more]. But in 6th grade it was the complete worse. i’d end up in the bathroom every day crying because of the things people would say/call me. I finally had enough and talked to my mom about getting them fixed. Its considered a birth defect because i didn’t have any cartilage in the top part, reason why they stuck out. because its a birth defect, our insurance would cover the surgery. so the beginning of summer going into 7th grade, i got the surgery and they were pinned back. (for details on this horrid and painful as hell surgery, google it. its literally the worst pain i’ve ever expirenced, and i’ve had alot.)
2007(this year was hard for me, i lost 4 people who were extremely close to me, ask me about the ones not mentioned if you want)
-i wake up to a phone call, one of the worst ones of my life. Shane, my boyfriend of 4 years, has died in a surfing accident. my world is shattered all at once. i’m left speachless and in shock. the days following, i’m drowned in thoughts that no one else will love me like he did, no one will compare. i’m nothing without him and i won’t ever love another guy. i was in a depression for a while.
fast forward about 6 months from that time(prob less)-
-i was at a park with my best friend at the time, Maggie. Our friend Chase rode by on his bike and had seen us, so he came back to say hi. We got to talking, Maggie left and he walked me home. We talked non-stop for the next 3 weeks. He asked me out, i was so happy. I never thought i could have feelings for anyone else but Shane. i never thought any other guy could see me like shane did. but i was wrong, apparently. We had a good 5ish months together, then it went down hill from there. we were on a holiday break, and i was at my house on myspace. i came across this girls profile and saw she had pictures with him and saying how she loved him. we talked, we soon discovered Chase was cheating on us. I met up with her, Ashlyn, and her best friend, Christine. We got a plan together with the help of Chase’s best friend, Sam, who happened to be Christine’s boyfriend. We put that plan into action, caught him red handed. He tried calling me a liar and a slut and all this shit to keep Ashlyn. didn’t work, because Ashlyn and i had gone to grade school with him and her and i were best friends back then, she knew better. we went back to Sam’s house and laughed about it. the next few days he still tried getting Ashlyn back and shit and even got his dad and Sam to lie for him. still failed.
Fast forward about a month
-Chase contacted me, he wanted to talk. I agreed for whatever reason. He apoligized for everything and i agreed to give him a 2nd chance. worst mistake of my life. period. we had another good month in a half or so, then things changed. i was at home and he wanted me to come over, (he lived a block and a half from me). i wasn’t allowed to go over there when his dad wasn’t home so he lied to me and said he was because he knew i wouldn’t disobey my parents. I went over there with my dogs, tied them up in his yard and went inside. we watched tv in his living room. i got up to use the rest room (the only one was in his dad’s room). When i was coming out, barely grabbing my button on my pants, he came up and grabbed me and “playfully” tossed me on the bed. i hit my head so he came over to “kiss it”. wrong. he grabbed me, pinned me to the sheets and proceeded to try and rape me. all while saying how worthless i was, and how fat and gross i was, even though i weighed 117. he told me no one liked me and would want to have sex with me so he was doing me a favor. i tried getting away, finally i was able too. i ran so far and so fast with my dogs. i finally stopped, hair a mess, clothes half way on, out pf breath and almost puking. people stared at me, no one asked if i was alright. mind you, this wasn’t the first incident, but it was the last straw.
Chase sexually abused me on a regular basis, but me thinking i loved him and him threatening me, i couldn’t leave.
he would tie me to the bed or anything heavy and sturdy and force his penis into my mouth and make me give him head. he would force me to make out with him. he would rip my clothes off and rub my body all up and down, mainly my breasts and vagina. he would shove foreign objects in me, hurting me badly. if i cried or made any sound or said to stop he would hit me, and just do it again but 10 times worse. he sometimes would knock me unconscious and i honestly to this day don’t know what he did to me then. he would sometimes gag me with a rag so i couldn’t scream and really hurt me.
he did alot more too, but i honestly can’t keep going on about it. i’m crying right now. i’ve never really typed it out and explained it like that.
-also during this same year, my best friend and i got into a fight. i didn’t want to continue our friendship, she tried over-dosing, and her note blamed me. she luckily was unsuccessful and we worked our shit out, and to this day we are still best friends. 10 years strong.♥
fast forward a month.
-i didn’t tell anyone, no one at all. i hadn’t spoken to him or seen him since that day(the day i he finally tried full on raping me and i finally left him). but all i could do was think about what he had said, and all the warning signs that i missed because i was so happy to be loved by someone else since Shane passed away. I stopped eating, didn’t even realize it myself at first. i just got so used to it, and loved watching the numbers get smaller on the scale. i’d show him what he messed up i thought. I’ll be so skinny and he’d be jealous. all while thinking, still do, what he said is true. i was anorexic for months before someone realized it. i was made to get help. i was in recovery. life was looking up.
fast forward to my senior year in high school
-after having a really good summer, and actually getting back to a healthy weight, i started my senior year. i went into it thinking it was going to be the best year of high school and everything will be perfect. i was wrong, boyyyy was i wrong. my senior year was nothing but me getting harassed and bullied. why? for no reason other than they knew it’d get to me. people would call me fish face, fat lard, tubo, bitch, slut, skank, whore, loser, pathetic, etc etc. they went as far as to say i should go die in a hole because no one wants to see my fish head of a face. my best friend got pregnant but somehow i became the slut. but i didn’t just let them talk, i fought back. i was never horrible to them, but i sure as hell did everything i could to make sure they didn’t get away with it. but in the end they did. i couldn’t escape it, they said these things to my face, behind my back, on the internet and even to my family. i fought so hard everyday to keep moving in my recovery, i couldn’t let them make me relapse. i was strong than that. my senior year well complete hell.
Graduation (June 2010)/Summer
-by this day, i was so completely over everything. i can honestly say it was the happiest day of my fucking life. i was finally free from that school. granted i still would live in the same city, i wouldn’t have to see them everyday and hear their words. that summer was a really good one. the last one i’d get to spend completely free and with my best friends. i was still being taunted by the kids’ voices and words inside my head, as well as the disease itself, but i fought them away and i was happy.
move to May 2011
- i fell back into the place i was before. knowing its not good, but i can’t bring myself to get help again. all the things he had said to me all those years ago, coming back everytime i do anything sexual, and everytime i look in the mirror at myself. and now i’m stuck here, to waste away into oblivion. not wanting to die, but not wanting to live. just here, a breathing ghost.
June 23rd, 2011
-My brother died. this made everything worse. he was my brother and best friend. the one who got me through everything. since this day, everything has gone down hill.
October 2011
my first suicide attempt-over dose.
forced into recovery. quickly relapsed.
January 5th 2012
2nd suicide attempt-train and cutting.
forced into recovery again. still in it this time.
April 3rd 2012
almost my 3rd suicide attempt-was going to be hanging.
maybe i’ll add more detail into the end later, but this is hard for me to put in writing, and i have to get ready for work.
